Breathe....

October is breast cancer awareness month. I am 6 weeks away from being considered 12 years cancer free.  I have never, in the last 12 years, thought much about my cancer coming back, even though the chances are very high given my cancer markers. This October, however, I feel my awareness is working overtime and making up for all those years I didn't think about it!  

Someone posted an article last week about breast cancer statistics about cancers that had been "successfully" treated coming back years later and not diagnosed until it is stage IV metastatic…. 5, 10, even 20 years later, this is more common than not. This led to me looking up the current ways my oncologist tries to detect my cancer coming back: a blood tumor marker test.  If found in my research that this test is not reliable as it is neither "specific" nor "sensitive" enough to accurately determine if metastasis has occurred.... not good news.  There isn't really any way to check.  The best way of finding re-occurrence is through symptoms… unfortunately, most women whose breast cancer has reoccurred and metastasized do not show any symptoms until the disease is quite advanced.

There have been moments this last week, late at night or in the middle of night when all is quiet that I find it hard to turn off my thoughts about this and panic threatens me… which leads to me feeling like I can’t breathe --> like there’s no air.   

So what do you do with something like this? Something that threatens to shake your peace? Something that strikes fear in the very core of you? Something that causes you to panic and makes you feel like you can’t breathe? 

I blogged about this years ago when my peace was being shaken (by something else).  It was good to reread and remember the fight: God’s Word is my air.  I need to stop and remind myself to take these panic-stricken thoughts captive and ….

… breathe, just breathe…. 

In God I need not fear: “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”

That doesn’t mean that my cancer won’t return, but it does mean that even if it does, God will not leave me alone in it – I don’t need to anxiously look around for Him fearing He has abandon me.  He is my God. He will be faithful to strengthen me through the trial, and will help and uphold me. I will not be alone in it… 

Wouldn’t it be nice if that were the end of the fight, but it’s typically not.  It’s a wearying mental and spiritual fight that sometimes cause me to maybe doubt that he hears my cry for help.  I have to continue to fight on and again reminding myself…

... breathe, just breathe... 

God hears my prayers: “But truly God has listened; He has attended to the voice of my prayer.  Blessed be God, because He has not rejected my prayer or removed His steadfast love from me!”

I am not calling out to no one. No, the Creator and Ruler of the universe hears me calling out my prayers and they are important to Him – He attends to me.  That is an amazing thought.  

I fight on… breathe, just breathe… 

In God I have hope: “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing.”

What a beautiful picture of God and His love… He is ever present. He rejoices and sings over me.  And here also is a great promise… that His love *will quite me – it is strong enough to quiet all my fears and my distress.  That is a comforting thought as sometimes it seems these will overtake me. But they won't.

I find that praising God in song also quiets my heart.   Sometimes singing the words to praise songs are the only prayers I can find in me when I’m distressed… 

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters *wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior…” 

Singing (or listening to) praise music also reminds me of His character, his faithfulness, his love and mercy and grace!

“All our sickness, all our sorrows, Jesus carried up the hill.  He has walked this path before us; He is walking with us still; Turning tragedy to triumph, Turning agony to praise. There is blessing in the battle, So take heart and stand amazed! Rejoice! When you cry to Him He hears your voice. He will wipe away your tears. Rejoice in the midst of suffering, He will help you sing... Rejoice!” 

This is what peace looks like… trusting, hoping, praising ---- breathing…

And although it’s been quite the fight this last week what I wrote years ago in my blog is still truth today (Yay! Our God is never changing!!)  “…I praise God that His Word always grounds me – He is my stronghold – I shall not be afraid – I shall not be moved – all because of my Savior.   When my mind is fixed and stayed on these truths, I am able to, with complete abandon, breathe… "

“I sought the Lord, and He answered me, And delivered me from all my fears.” ~Psalm 34:4

Amen and Amen.