Do you ever feel like all the air has been sucked out the room? It's like you go to take a breathe and there's just no air?
The last week in particular has been a real struggle for me. Last Wednesday was Valerie's treatment - 28 injections to her head. The couple of days prior to this she was already doing REALLY bad. Truly, I think there's little worse than watching one of your children suffer. Not only was it horribly painful for her to go through the injections, but it just exasperated her pain level in general to a new high. When we finally got back home, I was standing in the kitchen and it felt like there wasn't enough air to breathe. And I have been struggling on and off to "breathe" since. Although the treatment does take up to two weeks to reach full potential, it hasn't done much so far... and it's like the clock is just going...
tick.................. tick................... tick.....................
as we wait to see if it will help any. Really, from everything I read online it does seem very, very promising, but as the days are passing with little to no change, I keep passing by anxiousness and go head-long into the crippling fear of what if -- which leads to --> no air. I have to remind myself to stop and
... breathe, just breathe... In God I need not fear: "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."
I'm fighting for sure - a spiritual battle in my head all day long. I was joking with someone last night... I am kind of known for walking right by people not acknowledging them -- or saying 'Hi' but not really paying attention -- to the point where I have had several people now say they don't think I like them... I'm a "to do" person - task oriented - and I just get in the zone and zone out everyone around me not related to the task at hand. Definitely not one of my better qualities. So I was joking with someone saying, "I'm not ignoring you. It's just that I'm having a full on battle raging in my head and I can't hear anything you are saying..."
I joke, but it's really not funny. The war is raging on.
Sunday I couldn't even sing the closing song at church: Endless Praises. I should have been rejoicing at the glorious truth of the gospel, but my heart was just so heavy the words wouldn't even come out -- there was no air. I had to remind myself to stop and
... breathe, just breathe... God is near: "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
It's so exhausting this battle -- to try to keep taking all these thoughts captive, to lay things in God's hands and to let go of trying to fix it (as if I even could!), to keep my mind stayed on what is true, and right, and lovely, to be truly thankful, to bring to mind His faithfulness, to stand firm on the truth of His promises -- when I just want to scream or cry --- or scream and cry -- there is no air! I have to remind myself to stop for a second and
... breathe, just breathe... God hears my prayers: "But truly God has listened; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because He has not rejected my prayer or removed His steadfast love from me!"
A couple of nights ago there were some young adults here praying for Valerie. My other girls completely fell apart. All of our hearts are so weary watching her suffer. On one hand it is such a blessing to see my children have so much compassion for each other -- weep with those who weep kind of thing. On the other hand watching this scene unfold from the couch -- no air. I didn't remind myself to breathe - no, in my exhaustion of just wanting a moment of rest - of someone telling me "the future is going to be ok", I asked a question of someone -- and got an "I don't know" kind of answer -- in my sinful heart I screamed -- wrong answer!! It wasn't the response I wanted to hear -- definitely no air - no air at all! The failure at the moment wasn't that someone didn't give me the "correct" answer I was looking for and therefore caused "no air" - the failure was mine that I took my eyes off of my Savior and when the idolatress thought didn't bring me peace the panic that ensued was "definitely no air".
... breathe, just breathe ... a song came to mind that I used to play for my kids at their nap time when they were really little. From the first time I heard this song, Psalm 62 has been my favorite psalm.
Only in God is my soul at rest
In Him comes my salvation
He only is my Rock
My strength and my salvation
My stronghold, my Savior
I shall not be afraid at all
My stronghold, my Savior
I shall not be moved
(here's a link to the song if you've never heard it http://www.worshiptogether.com/songs/songdetail.aspx?iid=554124)
I love this picture of Ellie that Valerie took. To me it like looks like a picture of complete abandon -- trusting, hoping, praising ---- breathing....
Although I am weary in this battle, I praise God that the truth of His Word grounds me -- He is my stronghold -- I shall not be afraid -- I shall not be moved -- all because of my Savior! When my mind is fixed and stayed fast on these truths, I am able to, with complete abandon, breathe....
